I just saw a hot homeless man
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
vagina is talking i cant
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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