My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
