I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize