How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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