Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
