everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
