i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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