my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
