it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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