dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I need to stop coming to work sober
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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