i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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