So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
