dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Two words: blizzard sex
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
