is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
