I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
