so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He did a backflip because drugs
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
