I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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