I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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