Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
