I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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