apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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