Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I want to make a zoo with you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize