There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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