All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
