oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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