He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
