8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
A bitchslap is in order.
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