I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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