I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
