I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize