I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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