So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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