i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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