i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
