I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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