in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
