I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
