do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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