i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize