Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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