Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
