Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize