I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
