The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
