Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
