dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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