i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
