think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
