You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
