If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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