You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
