I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
We just shotgunned beers for America
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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