You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
