Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
