i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
