I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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