Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So apparently I’m into choking now
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
