Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
