You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
