My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
