Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
