I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize